New Years and the whole month of January are always a come-down from the holidays for me. During the first month of the year I’m quiet and I take things slowly. Buying a new calendar at the start of the year doesn’t mean I'm ramping up resolutions or nailing down my goal setting. January is just the beginning of the year.

I’m more of a February girl. My ‘calling in’ of the good stuff starts with the combination of Valentine’s Day and Lunar New Year. They always set me up for big questions, big wishes, big dreams.

How is my heart?

Am I lovable? (An old boss asked me this once after I told him about a recent break up. I ask myself that question all the time now. Try it. Ask yourself. Are you lovable? It’s kinda sticky when you think about it, right?)

How can I be more lovable?

Am I loving others as much as I can?

How’s my year going so far?

What’s going well?

What would I like to change?

I just finished the movie In & Of Itself on Hulu. Whether you have a Valentine or not, I highly suggest that you take your person or yourself on a stay-at-home TV date and watch it. (100% on Rotten Tomatoes which is a big deal if you follow those ratings.)

The live show ran for over 500 performances in NYC and somehow it stayed completely off my radar. Things come to us when they are supposed to, I guess. If you’re missing live performances, this filmed version directed by the great Frank Oz is just the balm.

“True identity is that which exists within one’s own heart and is seen by another.”
- Derek DelGaudio

I AM.

I read once that the most powerful prayer you can pray is ‘I am’, and then whatever follows it becomes an affirmation to the universe.

“I am whole.”

“I am lovable.”

“I am on a journey of healing.”

‘I am’ is the prayer steeped even deeper into the affirmation with which you are identifying.

You can see the power in that, right? The prayer affirms the negative stuff too. (Words have so much power.) We don’t always have a gaggle of happy words to follow I am. Sometimes things are just rotten.

You could say, “I am...

...sick.

...heart broken.

...tired.

...broke.

...failing.”

Yes, we might identify as those things but we don’t need to steep ourselves in them. I think the important thing is acknowledging the truth of our experience, but not letting these things define us.

I looked up the idiom ‘in and of itself’ and it’s another way of saying ‘on its own’ or ‘by its very nature.’ In essence, we can strip away all of the descriptives and opinions and look at who we are on our own. Identify our very nature, the essential qualities of our character.

So what’s our true identity? What actually does define us? What’s in our heart that we want to be seen by others? What do we allow people to see about us? What do we hold secret?

Derek, the creator of In & Of Itself also says, “Every secret has a weight to it and you can only carry it for so long.”

Whoa.

As we welcome the Lunar New Year, the year of the Metal Ox, I think it’s a great opportunity to offer up our heavy secrets and our not so great “I AMs.” Let the ox bear them. He’s a beast of burden! We can metaphorically place our burdens on his yoke this year. When things get rough, or we’re at the end of our rope, take strength from him. He’ll be walking along side us to lighten our load.

I’m sharing a recipe that is perfect for Valentine's Day, even if it’s you and your couch watching Derek by yourself. Be your own Valentine! It’s a recipe from Jean-Georges Vongerichten. He's a fancy chef and this recipe is on his fancy ABC Kitchen menu. (One of my fave NYC restaurants!) But it’s not fancy at all. It’s cheese on toast with an onion and squash jam! I made this for my ‘work husband’ Andy Olson (chef to a certain Wild and Crazy Guy,) and he made the gorgeous breads in these photos. The homemade bread is what really made this recipe special.

This recipe is celebratory, and a wee bit time consuming which is the perfect gesture for a loved one. And an even more perfect gesture if you’re making it for yourself. You’re worth it!

Jean-Georges Vongerichten’s Squash on Toast

Adapted By Mark Bittman for The New York Times (with my parentheticals)

My own note - double this recipe! You’ll want more of it.

INGREDIENTS

1 2 1/2- to 3-pound kabocha or other yellow-fleshed squash, peeled, seeded and cut into pieces 1/8- to 1/4-inch thick (Butternut would be great!)
¾ cup extra-virgin olive oil (I used less!)
½ teaspoon dried chile flakes, more to taste
3 teaspoons kosher salt (I used less!)
1 yellow onion, peeled and thinly sliced
¼ cup apple cider vinegar
¼ cup maple syrup
4 slices country bread, 1-inch thick
½ cup ricotta, goat cheese, feta or mascarpone (I used ricotta!)
Coarse salt
4 tablespoons chopped mint

PREPARATION

Heat the oven to 450. Combine the squash, 1/4 cup olive oil, chile flakes and 2 teaspoons of salt in a bowl and toss well. Transfer the mixture to a parchment-lined baking sheet and cook, stirring every few minutes, until tender and slightly colored, about 15 minutes or a little longer. Remove from the oven.
Meanwhile, heat another 1/4 cup olive oil over medium-high heat, add the onions and remaining teaspoon salt and cook, stirring frequently, until the onions are well softened and darkening, at least 15 minutes. Add the vinegar and syrup, stir and reduce until syrupy and broken down, again at least 15 minutes or so; the mixture should be jammy.
Combine squash and onions in a bowl and smash with a fork until combined. Taste for seasoning.
Add the remaining oil to a skillet over medium-high heat. Working in batches if necessary, add bread and cook until just golden on both sides, less than 10 minutes total; drain on paper towels. Spread cheese on toasts, then top with the squash-onion mixture. Sprinkle with coarse salt and garnish with mint.