Have you ever had a week where you were handed your a$$? I don’t mean a week where everything goes wrong, but a time where you are continually faced with situations that challenge you to face your truth, as ugly as it is. A week of situations where it would be much easier to make easy choices and suffer a few consequences than to make the hard choice and really deal with yourself.
This week I found that I somehow had painted myself into a corner. A corner of expectations — a corner of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and assumptions, a corner of false footing and false ego. It was a week of being far from the people I love the most and feeling helpless to their needs. A week of forgiving and mending a four year broken fence in one of my most important relationships. My week involved going on a wild goose chase, only to find that I was chasing the wrong goose. I went down a ridiculous path of being slightly cyber bullied. Lastly, I found myself in situations where I learned that my best and worst quality is that I try too hard.
As I sat in this corner waiting for the metaphorical paint to dry so I could make a run for it, I found myself asking some big questions. All of those situations listed above were just cloudy mirrors I’ve been looking in. I was seeing blurry images, distorted memories, and half-truths. These questions helped me wipe the mirrors clean and gave me insight and clarity.
- Who am I going to be when things don’t go my way?
- How can I be most authentic but still keep my grace intact?
- What matters? Who matters?
- Am I making a judgement or an observation?
- Who has my back?
- Who has my heart?
- What do I want? Are my actions and words getting me closer to that?
- How can I stand up for myself while continuing to help others stand, not putting them down in any way?
- How am I showing up? Not on social media or in email but as a real-life breathing, talking person? And despite being ‘seen’ on these social media platforms am I truly being seen?
Big stuff! I’m pretty self aware, but I hadn’t gone this deep with myself in a while. Here are some of my realizations. Nothing new; it’s all things I’ve known, I just needed to re-know them.
Things don’t go a wrong or a right way. Things just…go. How we perceive them and act upon them is what makes or breaks a situation.
People help in their own way, perhaps not the way I want them to, but the universe is conspiring on my behalf.
It doesn’t matter if other people like me, it matters if I like me. It matters if I love myself.
There is enough. I am enough.
Being seen isn’t just revealing the good stuff, it’s revealing the true stuff.
The musical The Secret Garden has a song, “Wick.” I think about it every spring as winter goes back to sleep and the trees and grass begin to show their green, their aliveness, their truest selves.
When a thing is wick, it has a life about it
Maybe not a life like you and me
But somewhere there's a secret streak of green inside it
Now come and let me show you what I mean
When a thing is wick, it has a light around it
Maybe not a light that you can see
But hiding down below a spark's asleep inside it
Waiting for the right time to be seen
I think the answers to some of my questions, my week of a$$ handing and painted in corners, has really just revealed/awoken my wick, my streak of green aliveness, my truest self.
I discovered a streak of green aliveness in my kitchen this week too. I’ve had Tamar Adler’s Salsa Verde recipe bookmarked since I read and wrote about her book An Everlasting Meal in my post Waste Not Want Not. I was looking to wake up some of my dishes and this condiment did the trick. It packs a punch of flavor and adds vibrant green freshness to any vegetable or protein.
recipe adapted from Tamar Adler
- 1 shallot, finely chopped
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- red or white wine vinegar
- 1 bunch parsley, leaves picked from stems
- 1 clove garlic
- 1 anchovy filet
- 1 teaspoon capers
- 1/2 cup olive oil
Put the shallot in a small mixing bowl, add the salt , and just enough vinegar to cover. Let it sit for 10-15 minutes. Drain the shallot of its vinegar, reserving it for a future vinaigrette. Pulse the shallot and the rest of the ingredients in a food processor until it forms a paste. If you don't have a food processor, finely chop the ingredients and mix them all together. As Tamar says, once you have it, you'll start spooning it on everything in sight.